


Little Red Book

by Fishpaste



Series: Guns and Roses [1]
Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: F/F, First Kiss, Late Night Conversations, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-30
Updated: 2019-10-30
Packaged: 2021-01-08 07:43:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21232253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fishpaste/pseuds/Fishpaste
Summary: It's impossible to sleep when you're so close to finishing a book. However, Mey Rin's late night romantic novel is about to be interrupted. Not that she finds herself minding the interruption at all.





	Little Red Book

Mey Rin crept softly out of her room, clutching the well loved paperback to her chest as she peered around for anyone. She would absolutely die of embarrassment if anyone caught her reading things like this…trying to explain to Bardroy or, heaven forbid, Sebastian about it! Even the thought was causing a guilty blush to rise up in her cheeks. But her candle had burned down, and she didn’t have another in her room, and she felt she would absolutely _die_ if she didn’t finish the last chapter tonight! She couldn’t wait until tomorrow, she just couldn’t bear it! But Bard always stoked up the kitchen fire before bed so it would be still be warm when he got up, there would be enough light there for her to finish reading about Lord Barrington’s tryst with the simple maid who he’d fallen passionately and wonderfully in love with!

The corridors looked empty, Mey Rin blessed her luck as she pulled her dressing gown warmly around her shoulders, slippered feet silent on the wooden floors and every sense straining out to hear if anyone else was about. It was well past midnight, everyone should have been long abed…she should have been asleep hours before, she had to rise at six thirty, but the temptation of the book had been far too much to resist. Sebastian had taught her to read when she’d first come here, it simply hadn’t been necessary in her…previous profession, although he probably hadn’t expected her to use the skill to consume popular romantic novels. She’d heard him once refer to them disparagingly as ‘Bodice Rippers’ and had had to go and have a quick lie down at the idea of Sebastian ripping off her bodice.

There! The kitchen! She paused outside the door, listening intently. Finny was almost certainly in bed, but Bard sometimes would stay up late, or wake up through bad dreams and end up in the kitchen, staring sightlessly out the window at the dark skies above and trying to repress memories. She didn’t judge; Mey Rin knew what it was like to find yourself haunted in your sleep, to see faces of the dead and dying every time you closed your eyes and hear their screams and pleas for mercy echoing through your mind. Easing open the door she sighed in relief, no one about, Bard must be having a peaceful sleep. Did Sebastian have nightmares? She thought to herself as she went over to poke the fire up a little more. He certainly must have had some sort of strange past, to have acquired all the skills he had, but he had never given so much as a hint about what it might be. On reflection though; he probably didn’t have nightmares. He likely slept as he did everything else; perfectly.

Blushing again at the thought of Sebastian in bed, guiltily wondering what he wore when he slept; Mey Rin set the kettle on to boil, if she were to be down here anyway she might as well have a hot drink, and sat down at the table, diving back into the passionate encounter between the Baron and the maid. It was a truly romantic affair, in a small hunting lodge in the woods, no one else about and he had just made such a lovely declaration of love and now they were embracing and their lips were locked, her chest heaving with desire as he skilfully pressed her down onto the bed! Her own heartrate was picking up a little as she read about tender caresses and passionate cries, a single tear slipping down the maid’s cheek, only to be gently wiped away by the Baron, moonlight casting across them as they lay together…

The door slammed open and Mey Rin jumped high enough to slam her knees into the table, her book flying to the floor as she immediately and automatically pulled out her pistol, frantically swinging it up around to face the intruder. Who could be storming in at this time? An assassin? Out to harm the young master? Not while Mey Rin was here! She steadied the gun at the man’s chest and then blinked, recognising him and immediately lowering the weapon, pushing it back into a pocket and hoping he hadn’t seen her pull it out. She didn’t want Grell Sutcliff getting curious about why a simple maid carried around something like that!

“Grell? What’re you doing out so late?” She asked, adjusting her glasses to peer at the taller man. He should have been in bed hours ago, along with the rest of the servants, what had he been doing outside in the garden of all places?

“Mey Rin?” Grell sounded equally surprised to see her here, obviously expecting his trip outdoors to go unnoticed. Her suspicion rose a notch, what had he been doing there? Was he some sort of enemy agent, here to infiltrate the household and learn its strengths and weaknesses before planning an attack? “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb you…” He stammered, looking about as nervous and awkward as she’d ever seen him. Mey Rin’s suspicions dropped; Grell Sutcliff, working as an enemy agent? The thought was absurd, the Burnett butler was clumsy, a little dim, sweet, head over heels for Sebastian and quite clearly helpless. She couldn’t imagine anyone less likely to be dangerous really, an enemy agent would have to show _some_ measure of competency wouldn’t he? He was kind and gentle though, and never complained about the amount of work he had to do, or protested when he was scolded for getting something wrong and he always seemed to try his hardest at everything. She wasn’t sure if they were quite friends yet, but she certainly was fond of him.

“Oh no sir, you didn’t disturb me!” She said, getting up to help him with his coat. Now she was closer she could see he looked rather tired and stressed. Dark circles were just about visible under his eyes, as though he’d been working without rest for weeks and there was the faintest tremor to his hands. Was he getting enough sleep, she wondered as she took the coat from him, returning his grateful smile, and hurried back to the kettle which was just beginning to whistle. Grell assisted her in getting out the cups and spooning tea into the pot. She heard him counting the spoonfuls carefully, Sebastian had lectured him countless times on serving weak tea, and the lessons seemed to be sinking in, though he still looked very worried as he passed the pot over to her to fill with boiling water. Mey Rin made sure to give him a reassuring smile as she filled the milk jug and set out some sugar and biscuits as well, if they were going to have midnight tea they might as well do it properly.

Once everything was sorted they both sat down and sipped. It wasn’t actually that bad, Mey Rin thought with pleasant surprise, he really was getting better at some things! Maybe there was hope for him after all, she had found it so strange why a beautiful lady like Madame Red would have such a hapless butler; in fact she’d secretly been wondering if the reason she kept him around wasn’t more due to appreciation for his looks than his skills as a serving man.

“So, um, if you don’t mind me asking?” He said, shyly, “Why are you up so late?”

“Oh! Um…I was just readin’ a book I found…” Reminded of the novel she looked around, her heart jumping into her throat as she saw the brightly coloured cover on the floor by Grell’s feet. He bent and lifted it, reading the cover and she felt an embarrassed flush rise up her face as his eyebrows raised at the image, a busty maid clasped in the Baron’s embrace while rose petals fell around them.

“Midnight Encounters?” He read the title and Mey Rin wondered if she could just run away, she hadn’t wanted anyone to find out about her love for romance novels, what if they laughed at her, called her silly and fanciful and said that she should accept that no man would ever want a woman who’d trained as an assassin most of her life and had no experience at all of relationships.

“It’s just one I found!” She gabbled quickly, wishing she were brave enough to reach forward and snatch it out of his hand, oh no, he was opening it and skimming through the first few pages now! Would the ground just open and swallow her up right now please, anything to get out of here. “It doesn’t…I mean, I wouldn’t normally be readin’ those, I just…um…”

“Oh, I’ve read this one!” Grell exclaimed, a sudden smile breaking out across his face and Mey Rin felt her entire world turn upside onto its head. He’d… _what?_

“You’ve read it?” 

“Oh yes. I can’t say it was one of my favourites, um…I much prefer the later books in the series, but it was a pleasant enough read,” He looked up then and caught her eye, the expression of shocked disbelief on her face and something within him seemed to wilt. “Ah…I mean…well, um…”

“You read these um…bodice rippers?” She blurted out, still shocked. They weren’t suited for educated folks were they? Let alone men, and a _butler_ at that! But he read them? A man, a butler, Grell Sutcliff would sit in a chair when his work was done and read romance novels? She wanted to deny it, to assume he was lying to her, but he had seemed to sincere before, and why would he lie about that?

“Um…yes?” He looked more worried now that she’d ever seen him before, even more worried than when he’d tripped and poured paint directly over Sebastian the day before. Well, if _she’d_ been scared about being found out reading these, it must be ten times worse for him.

“I’m sorry,” she apologised, she didn’t want to scare him away after all, “It…it was jus’ a surprise, that’s all. I didn’t think anyone else read these.” Except maybe Miss Midford, but even then, she probably had higher class ones about knights and princes.

“They’re very…um…enthralling,” He offered with a shy smile. “The suspense can keep you reading all night; I suppose that’s why you’re still awake?”

“Yes, I’m nearly done and I just couldn’t leave the last chapter and go to sleep, I had to finish it, yes I did.”

“I’m sorry for distracting you from it then.”

“Oh no! I don’t mind, but what are you doing up so late sir?”

“Grell, please Mey Rin.”

“Sorry, Grell.”

“I was…simply taking a walk in the gardens.”

“A walk?” At this time of night? It might be summer but the nights could be rather cold and dark this far out in the country.

“Yes…” He seemed aware that it was a weak excuse, and her suspicions began to nag at her again, before he took a deep breath and glanced away, admitting: “I suppose I was having some difficulty sleeping.”

“Nightmares?” Mey Rin asked, suddenly sympathetic. She didn’t know what Grell might have in his past to give him nightmares, come to think about it, the man had been as close lipped as Sebastian on what his past had been before he’d ended up working at the Phantomhive manor but she could respect his privacy; she wouldn’t want anyone going nosing around her past.

“Of a sort, yes…” He said, and he looked so sad and tired Mey Rin felt a surge of compassion for the hapless young man.

“Well, some hot tea and good company should help with that then shouldn’t it?” She offered, smiling at him. Did she count as good company? Perhaps, and she was willing to listen if he wanted to talk about what was bothering him. He relaxed a lot at her words, putting the novel back on the table and raising his cup for another sip.

“The very best company.” He said firmly. “Although I don’t want to be keeping you from your reading…”

“Oh it’s alright!” She told him earnestly. “Besides…well, I can’t imagine that the ending will be overly unexpected.”

“The hero falls for the heroine, leaves the rich and beautiful but cold hearted other woman to come with her and they live happily ever after?”

“Something like that I suppose.” The books were rather predictable weren’t they? “But…well…I still like them. I wish I could find love like that one day…” She admitted.

“Like the men in there?”

“Yeah! Someone who’s passionate and caring and loving, to sweep me off my feet, take me away and ride off into the sunset.”

“Oh yes, that would be marvellous,”

“Oh, I know it won’t ever happen…but one day maybe?” She looked over at him, leaning her chin on her hand as she daydreamed about Sebastian bringing her roses and jewels and telling her that she was the best thing in his life.

“To be the centre of someone’s world like that…” Grell sounded wistful, a hint of lonely longing in his voice and Mey Rin nodded. It was surprisingly easy to talk to Grell about things like this, romance and love and secret dreams. Almost as though she were gossiping with another woman, not a judgemental man.

“Oh yes! And to kiss someone under a full moon, or in a field of roses, or a church while thunder booms overhead!”

“I wouldn’t mind _where_ the kiss happened, as long as it did!”

“Absolutely! I’d love to be kissed by someone, a handsome man, or a prince or somethin’.”

“Wait,” he glanced over at her, frowning suddenly. “Haven’t you ever been kissed before Mey Rin?” he asked and she felt herself flush in embarrassment. She had been alive for so many years, and never had a romance before. Her previous…employment, had made it very clear to her that she barely counted as human, she was nothing more than an incredible pair of eyes with a gun attached, and once she’d left them and come here there wasn’t exactly a harem of men to choose from. Maybe Bardroy, but he seemed to view her more as a sister than a love interest, Finny was just a child really, and Sebastian was far above her, untouchable and glorious. He was a wonderful fantasy but Mey Rin had no real illusion about the potential of their relationship. He would never care for a clumsy maid with no experience in relationships. Better to stick to admiring him from a distance and reading her romance novels. 

“Well…no, not as such…” She admitted. “I jus’…never found the right man I guess.”

“Oh. I’m, um, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.” The mood had changed, there was a level of awkwardness congealing between the two of them, and Mey Rin missed the easy conversation they’d just been having.

“S’alright…I mean, I’ve got my work, and Sebastian…and Finny and Bard t’look after of course…”

“But no love? No young man on the horizon?”

“No.” She said. It did worry her really, though she’d never admitted it to anyone, they wouldn’t understand. “But…well…if this is gonna be my life, it’s not such a bad life I suppose. I’ve got friends here, and the young master to look after. Even if I don’t get a husband and all…I don’t mind.” She lied. The idea of being an old spinster…of being alone and unwanted as she aged and became unable to be useful, to have no one to love through her life; it scared her really.

Hesitantly, she looked over and met Grell’s eyes and was startled by the amount of compassion and understanding in his expression. He looked like he really got it, the quiet longing for a home and family of her own, a husband and children to care for and love and the ever increasing fear that time was slipping past her and soon all opportunities for love would be gone. She sighed and looked away briefly, unable to stand the level of earnest concern in the other person’s face, before she screwed up her courage enough to add.

“It…it would be nice though…I’ve never even kissed a man.” She blushed at the admission, now Grell would definitely think her nothing more than an ignorant country bumpkin, who didn’t have any experience of the world at all.

“Oh Mey Rin…” His voice was so sweet and gentle though, he sounded really sad about it, not like how she would have expected a man to react. Mey Rin knew if she’d confessed that to Finny he just wouldn’t have understood, and Bard would have got flustered and probably lit something on fire; but Grell was acting like they knew what it was like. It really was like talking to another woman like herself, not a strange man in the least, and Mey Rin found her tongue loosening, the words flowing more freely as she explained how much she wanted a romance, not even an epic one like in her stories, but someone who loved her and was attracted to her and wanted to kiss her and care for her, how she often felt a little lonely here, and how much she felt Bard and Finny simply couldn’t understand. Throughout it all Grell nodded and make sympathetic comments, pouring her extra tea and listening to her litany of woes. 

Eventually she trailed off, feeling oddly empty and relieved after saying all the secret thoughts she usually kept locked deep within her heart. Finishing off her tea and glancing over to where Grell sat, eyes fixed on her and a slight soft smile present, a guilty start hit her, she’d been rambling on about her own troubles, and never once asked about him, and after she’d known he was having nightmares and all! Oh Mey Rin, she scolded herself, that’s not the way friends behave remember, he listened to you, the least you could do is listen to him too. Equal and such.

“But I don’t want t’just talk your ear off about me!” She exclaimed, setting her cup down a little too hard and wincing as it clacked against the table. Clumsy Mey Rin… “Haven’t you gotta lady back home Grell? Or somewhere in London?”

“Not…not exactly….” He said, looking very uncomfortable all of a sudden, and Mey Rin cursed herself for somehow sticking her foot in her mouth and upsetting him.

“I-I’m sorry, I didn’ mean…”

“Oh no, it’s alright, th-there’s no need to apologise!” He said hastily. “I just…it’s a little bit complicated.”

“Complicated? How?”

“Well, um…”

How could being in love with someone be complicated? Ooo, maybe she was _married!_ Or maybe it was Madame Red! Mey Rin wouldn’t blame any man for falling for her, she was so beautiful red and confident, she made Mey Rin’s heart flutter when she looked at you with those intense eyes like that!

“I’m….” Grell took a deep breath and appeared to come to a decision. Possibly fuelled by the fact it was late, they were both tired and had been drinking tea and baring their hearts to one another anyway, but he looked fixedly at the table and confessed the truth to Mey Rin.

“I’m…not exactly a man. I’m a woman too.”

Mey Rin gaped at her, eyes flicking down to the flat chest and the Adam’s apple visible behind the striped cravat Grell was so fond of. _Grell was a woman?_ What, was she in disguise? Pretending to be a man so she could be a butler? To find true love maybe, or to run away from a dreadful arranged marriage, was she disobeying an overbearing father or fiancé and fleeing for the chance to start her own life! Maybe that was why she was so clumsy, she didn’t know how to be a butler, any more than Mey Rin had known how to be a maid, or Bardroy a cook when they’d first started out!

“You don’t _look_ like a maiden.” She pointed out carefully, she didn’t want to offend her really, Grell was her friend, for definite now, they weren’t just acquaintances, they’d told each their secrets and talked all night, if this didn’t mean they were friends then nothing would.

“I know,” Grell’s voice was small, and they kept their gaze fixed on the table, as though they were afraid of looking up and seeing judgement in her eyes. Mey Rin shook her head, she would never judge her! Not for something like this!

“I’m not…” She bit her lip and tried again. “I’m not physically a woman…I mean, my body’s male…but I know I’m a woman, on the inside?” She peeked up at Mey Rin then, and the sheer worry in her face was enough to make Mey Rin want to find anyone who’d ever hurt Grell in the past and shoot them where it would hurt most.

“I don’t understand,” She said instead, making sure her voice stayed soft and gentle, she didn’t want to scare Grell away. “How can you be a girl if you’re a man?” The butler shrugged helplessly.

“I don’t know how to explain it. But…I know I’m a girl, a lady rather. I don’t know why I ended up in the wrong body, but I know I’m supposed to be a woman, and be able to have children and wear pretty dresses and make up…not just suits and short hair.” She sneered a little at the thought.

“I never heard of anyone being like that before.” Mey Rin frowned. Surely if people were being born in the wrong bodies it would be a bigger thing, she’d never even considered it might be possible. She was a girl, and she had a girl’s body, was it even possible that people could be otherwise?

“Most people haven’t.” Grell shrugged. “Most people like, um, like me…we try and hide it. Try and tell ourselves that we _must_ be wrong, after all, we have a body of one gender, why would we think we might be something else? So we pretend we’re not, and lead miserable lives full of lies and unhappiness because of it.”

That was so sad…Mey Rin felt the tears springing to her eyes as she listened to Grell’s heartfelt words. And to think that the butler had been suffering so much and she hadn’t even noticed! She decided in that moment that she didn’t care about Grell’s gender, she didn’t quite understand, but she could accept Grell being a woman, especially if it took that sad expression off her face.

“I believe you.” She said earnestly, leaning forward to grasp Grell’s hand in hers, feeling the cool soft skin under her fingertips. “I don’t think you’d lie about somethin’ like that. If you say you’re a lady, well then you’re a lady, and I won’t let _anyone_ tell you different.” She finished fiercely. She’d shoot anyone who dared insult Grell, or make her feel like anything less than a good person, yes she would!

“Mey Rin…” Grell was looking at her with wide eyes, as though she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Mey Rin nodded firmly at her. She might not look like much, especially to Grell, who didn’t know about her special talents, but she was not afraid to stand up to anyone for her friends and family. “I-I…I suppose all I can say is thank you.” A wobbly smile emerged and her hand slid down to grasp Mey Rin’s properly, squeezing affectionately.

“I dunno about complicated things like that,” she continued, “But, I do know that you’re my friend Grell, an’ we Phantomhive servants stick together, alright? No matter what.” They came from very different places, they were all damaged in one way or another, Mey Rin had a feeling that none of them would fit into normal society very easily, but they were a family here, they looked after one another and supported each other. “An’ you’re one of us now Grell, alright? If you ever need it, we’ll be here for you. Promise.”

Grell didn’t even seem capable of replying, but they smiled and held her hand, looking surprised and pleased and as though they’d never dreamed of being so instantly and totally accepted. Mey Rin made a mental note to have a quick talk about her being a woman with Finny and Bard in the morning, she knew they’d understand, Grell was family, they’d all support her.

The clock in the hallway struck three in the morning and Mey Rin jumped, realising just how late it had gotten while they had sat and gossiped and drank tea. Grell and her exchanged somewhat guilty glances as they both acknowledged that they were going to be rather useless and tired in the morning and began clearing away the tea things. They didn’t talk while they washed up and put the crockery back carefully, but to Mey Rin’s eye Grell looked happier and more relaxed than they’d ever seen them. The idea that it was her that had caused such a good change was a nice one and Mey Rin smiled to herself as she wiped down the table and turned to check whether they’d forgotten anything.

“Mey Rin?” a hand touched her sleeve lightly and she turned, blinking up at Grell behind her thick glasses.

“Yes?”

“I know I’m…that this…” Grell seemed to fumble for words, as though trying to put an impossible concept into communication. “You wanted…well…and you are very pretty you know.” She added and Mey Rin stared at her, wondering if she’d gone a bit mad. 

“Grell, what’re you talking about?” She asked, and the butler sighed.

“I just…wanted to do this for a while.”

“Do wha-“

Before she could finish her sentence, or even form a coherent thought; Grell’s arms were around her waist, pulling her towards the other, and Grell was leaning down and suddenly there were lips against hers, soft and warm and Mey Rin gasped, jerking backwards in sheer surprise. Of all the things!

Grell immediately released her as though she’d been burned, stepping back smartly and already flushing and stammering out apologies. She stared at her, trying to work out what had happened; Grell had kissed her? Had said she was pretty and that she’d wanted to do that for a while? Even though she was really a woman? Well, Mey Rin had heard of women in that sort of relationship actually, so perhaps that wasn’t too odd, though it made Grell’s gender even more confusing, surely if she was a woman she’d be more attracted to men, and she definitely liked Sebastian…but that wasn’t important right now, she reminded herself firmly. What mattered right now was that Grell looked horrified, as though they’d made a terrible mistake, and rather as though they were about to run away. Mey Rin tried to calm her heartbeat down to something approaching normal and to quickly work out her own feelings, Grell had kissed her, did Mey Rin actually object to that? Did she _want_ to kiss Grell? What should she do?

“I’m sorry…” Grell whispered, “I didn’t…I won’t…I’m sorry…”

“Grell-“ No, talking wasn’t going to fix this, and Mey Rin suddenly knew exactly what would, exactly what to do to show Grell what she thought of her advances. 

She stepped forward, closing the gap between them and Grell froze, almost flinching back as though expecting a blow or a slap. Which was a little sad, if that was how Grell instinctively thought people would react to her…Mey Rin pushed that thought aside and reached up with a hand that was only shaking a little, cradling Grell’s thin cheek and meeting her almost frightened gaze. The she kissed her. And it was perfect, far better than anything Lord Barrington might have managed.

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally written for Sapphic Sutcliff week on tumblr. I decided now was a good time to polish it up a bit and publish.
> 
> Come hang out with me on Tumblr if you ever want to chat about Black Butler! 
> 
> Red-Butler


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